Questions For Reflection
Here is a line of questioning to ask oneself that you may find helpful, though if you find any of this upsetting or too much to think about right now, you may be better off waiting until you're working with a therapist to revisit this.
Using a journal and answering no more than three questions per week, you'll be taking inventory of and then challenging your beliefs, which are stored in your subconscious mind/physical body. Feel free to move your body during or after doing this work as the mind-body connection cannot be overstated. It's best to do reprogramming work first thing in the morning (within an hour of waking) or at the very end of your day (within an hour of going to sleep) as this is when the mind is producing the most alpha brain waves which is when the mind is most suggestible.
Sexuality questions:
What was I taught about bisexuality/pansexuality? Do I want to revise this?
What did I learn about gender from my caregivers? Do I want to revise this?
What did I learn about sexuality from my caregivers? Do I want to revise this?
What did I learn about love from my caregivers? Do I want to revise this?
What did I learn about relationships from my caregivers? Do I want to revise this?
What did I learn about sex from my caregivers? Do I want to revise this?
What draws me to women vs men, and why? Do I want to revise this?
What am I willing to forgive/overlook in men vs women, and why? Do I want to revise this?
What triggers me about women that doesn’t with men? How about the other way around? Why? Do I want to revise this?
What do I believe about women (positive and negative)? Do I want to revise this?
What do I believe about giving to and receiving from women?
What do I believe about having boundaries with women?
What do I believe about men (positive and negative)? Do I want to revise this?
What do I believe about giving to and receiving from men?
What do I believe about having boundaries with men?
What do I believe about non-binary people (positive and negative)? Do I want to revise this?
What do I believe about giving to and receiving from non-binary people?
What do I believe about having boundaries with non-binary people?
How do I feel about my dating history?
What do I want to do differently regarding intimacy, dating, and sex in the future?
What would my particular entry point of attraction or met needs have to be in order to consider engaging with a particular man or woman or non-binary person? What fears would I need to work through? What skills would I need to learn? What beliefs about myself and others would I have to let go of? What environments would I need to be in?
Do I believe that I still have intrinsic value if I’m not desirable? Can I find a way to show myself I’m still significant regularly?
Do I feel like I have to choose a side of my bisexuality to explore or engage? And like I'm stuck with whatever choice I made forever?
Can I reconsider human sexuality actually being predominantly situated along the bisexual+ spectrum with only a small percentage existing at polar opposites, instead of heterosexuality being the predominant human sexuality?
Can I look at all the ways attraction begins and ends and how it’s not always about penetrative sex but often about closeness, admiration, familiarity, resolution, and trait variety?
Identity questions:
What have I been taught being a man means outside of being hard & physically strong?
What do I think it means to be a man outside of being hard & physically strong? Do I want to revise this?
Does my manhood and masculinity crumble if people not only think I'm soft, but if I actually am soft? Do I want to revise this?
What do I think of myself if I am not desirable to all women? Do I still believe there's a man who is desirable to all women?
Is there a type of man that I feel deficient compared to? Am I fixating on something that's an insecurity for me but is not a determinant of character or personhood?
What do I think being that type of man would be like?
Is this type of man the kind of guy I'm usually attracted to? How does engaging with a guy who I feel inferior to affect how I relate? If I'm repelled from engaging this type of guy, what is being repelled costing me?
Do I feel any residual entitlement to women's attention, kindness, understanding, connection, emotional labor, etc?
What would be so bad about people thinking I’m gay?
What negative ideas about being gay am I holding onto? Do I want to revise this?
What negative ideas do people I know have about being gay?
How much more knowledge, patience, emotional intelligence, healthy communication, and healthy boundaries would be required of me to co-create healthy relationships?
Societal questions:
Can I look at non-sexual attraction, and more specifically asexuality, as valid?
What would society look like if everyone along the bisexual+ spectrum was protected and had their needs met?
What would society look like with an end to biphobia, homophobia, and transphobia?
What would society look like with an end to sexism, purity culture, and rape culture?
What would society look like with an end to ableism, fatphobia, and racism?
What would we need to make that a reality?
Can I work to make my own internal validation of my own authenticity, expression, adherence to my values, and self-actualization what I depend on?
Gender questions:
What are some gendered expectations that I dislike or find annoying?
Do I believe that sexuality and gender exist on a spectrum?
Have I ever been asked if I want to be a man? Have I ever asked myself this and really given myself time to think it over, with everything I know about (hegemonic, white) gender? Would I accept, support, and create a nurturing environment for myself if I discovered there was another identity (agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, bigender, transgender, etc.) that was there or wanted to emerge? Would I still offer myself kindness? Would I still like myself?
Might I have a different answer if it was not so dangerous to be anything other than cisgender in this society?
Religious questions:
Have I ever experienced...
· Being verbally harassed or outed by someone in my faith community to leadership or the congregation?
· Trying to change my sexuality through prayer sessions, counseling, “conversion therapy,” or even exorcisms?
· Heard constant comments about my “sinful nature,” God’s displeasure, or others fixating on my “spiritual health” more than anyone else’s?
· Being forced to leave my congregation or shunned by members of my family or faith community?
Do I ever struggle with. . .
· Feeling ashamed, guilty, or dirty in regards to my sexuality?
· Feeling like I should only date the “opposite” gender?
· Forming healthy relationships or friendships with other LGBTQ+ people?
· Believing that when something bad happens, that it was because of my sexuality?
· Feeling uncomfortable or experiencing panic attacks when attending religious ceremonies or functions? Do I believe that being queer/acting on desires means I will be punished in the afterlife?
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